Asen lay on the couch with his head resting on it’s arm, looking out of the window. He and Cal had planned their schedules to avoid seeing each other today, but when Asen got home from the gym earlier his door jammed and wouldn’t close fully. After realizing it wasn’t something he could fix, he called building maintenance and prayed that this was some ironic omen.
Cal showed up on schedule, if he was surprised to see Asen it didn’t show. He moved about the apartment with an unfamiliar steadiness — like he was a stranger in someone else’s house, taking undue care not to break things. He’d already collected most of what he’d kept at Asen’s in a previous visit, the one that hurt, so now he was just doing the final once-over before leaving for good.
The bed was made and the bathroom counter was dry which means Julia, the maid, had already been by for the day. He was sad he’d missed her and wouldn’t be able to say goodbye, but it was probably for the best.
“Jesus Christ, Asen. How long have you been standing there?”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just…” Asen’s voice fell feather-soft. Cal tried to stay neutral, not at all welcoming, but not completely emotionless.
“We said we weren’t going to do this.” Good job. Cool, measured tones.
“I know. You’re right.” Asen looked at the ground, the entirety of his six and a half foot build a withering flower. “I love you.”
Cal expected that. He flipped off the bathroom light and slid past Asen, noticing for the first time how incredibly tight this hallway felt in an otherwise cavernous apartment. Or just how wholly Asen seemed to fill the space.
Asen didn’t follow Cal into the kitchen, but turned and watched him, almost furtively, from where he was standing.
“Why now?”
The breath caught in Cal’s chest and his eyes, already surrendering tears, were the first traitors to forfeit the battle.
“I don’t know, Asen. Maybe it should’ve been the first time you kissed me in the mouth, MOMENTS after you’d been with him. Or when you had me come to that party where you’d gotten everyone in on the story and they smiled in my face while he avoided even speaking to me. And you need better fucking friends.”
Cal tried his hardest, but it all came tumbling out.
“‘Why now?’ The real question is why did I ever. Why did I ever allow myself the space to think that you’d be anything different than what I’d known you to be when we were friends. How arrogant was I to believe you really thought I was the one you’d change for. Who did I think I was?”
The last question was more for himself than Asen. They faced each other, shaking and crying quietly.
“He sold you what I hope to God was a beautiful moment and you paid for it with my trust. You took the commitment we invested and spent our hard earned memories on a fool’s errand. How fucking stupid do you feel? He’s gone. ‘Why now?’ Because I realized I never had you. In this very moment, just the act of you standing there right now is a lie, because you’re not here either.”
Cal wiped his face, but the tears persisted, the fire was raging in his eyes. The sound of the keys landing on the metal chef’s table island shook the air and brought back a little bit of his resolve. He pulled his gaze from Asen and left, leaving the door open behind him.
Asen looked on until he couldn’t hear Cal’s footsteps in the hall anymore. His phone rang on the couch, but he went to bed and left it there to disturb the silence all on it’s own.
